ISIS Buys The Weinstein Company, Hollywood Praises a Welcomed Change to the Industry
In a welcomed change, The Weinstein Company is now under new, more progressive management that we can all get behind.
The Reign of Terror in Hollywood is Over
After news broke that Harvey Weinstein had been sexually assaulting women in Hollywood for years while his brother, Bob, began to go through a scandal of his own, people began to speculate regarding who would end up buying the company. Now, that question has been answered. In a welcomed turn of events, ISIS has brought peace back to the film industry.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, released the following statement:
“سوف يكون اثنين من النقانق البيض ماكفوفينز وجانب من هشبونز. الانتظار، كم من الوقت هو الانتظار ل هاشبروز؟ لا، سأحصل على شيء آخر بدلا من ذلك. كم من الوقت يستغرق ل بارفيت إلى أن يتم؟”
Our translator was unavailable for the piece, so interpret that quote as you see fit. There’s probably something about a purchase in there somewhere.
Movement Towards a Brighter Tomorrow
As part of their push to bring joy back into the hearts of children everywhere, ISIS will rebrand The Weinstein Company as ‘We Don’t Sexually Assault Women, Inc.” and will now be able to share all of their viral videos in a more traditional setting. The latest beheading is already garnering serious Oscar buzz for its technical achievements and feel-good story.
Actors and actresses have been overwhelmingly positive of the change with many lining up to the be in the first starring role of the next ISIS film. In fact, actors like Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, and Charlize Theron are already on the short list of names to be the lead. Pundits point to Leto as the frontrunner as he has prepared for the role by sawing off his own head, continuing his method acting techniques.
A better future is ahead of us, and it couldn’t feel any better than this!
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