Disney Conspiracy Theories
Writer’s Note: This article is purely for satirical and humorous purposes only.
We all turn a blind eye to its obvious skeletons in the closet, but it’s time we finally reveal them. I’m here to reveal to you the deepest, darkest secrets of the “Happiest Place on Earth.” And I’ve got to finish this fast before the DBI (Disney Bureau of Investigation) drags me away and freezes my body under their infamous tourist trap right next to Walt Disney.
Ever notice that there never seems to be a stable nuclear family in any Disney movie? They’re either missing a mother, a father, or both. However, despite this, the main character is able to overcome deadly odds and save the day. Think about it: Cinderella (1950), Snow White (1938), Beauty and the Beast (1991), Pocahontas (1995), Peter Pan (1953)–none of them had more than one parent.
But this isn’t encouraging heroism–that’s just what Disney wants you to think. It’s encouraging parricide–the murder of parents. Kids begin to realize that they can’t have daring adventures with both parents in the picture, so they must eliminate one of them. Shocked at what they’ve done, the kids will have to go on the run. Inevitably, they will end up at Disney as undocumented orphans, where they work the rest of their days, confined to smelly cartoon character costumes and surviving on day-old hot dogs. You thought you’d get us, didn’t you, Disney? I’m on to you.
Forest Safe Havens
Disney sure has an obsession with putting their main characters in perilous situations in the forest. Robin Hood (1973), Snow White, and Beauty and the Beast all include frightening scenes in forests. Do you know why? That’s right. Another Disney conspiracy.
Sometime in the near future, Disney has a some sort of apocalyptic event planned, one that most likely involves human-sized mice and possibly lightsabers. In this event, the only safe place will be the forest (scientists have not discerned why). Disney knows this and is trying to persuade children away from these forests. Watch out, kids! There are evil witches and blood-thirsty wolves in the forest! Come to Disneyland instead! You’ll never want to leave.
It’s no surprise that many young children developed crushes on Robin Hood or Nick Wilde of Zootopia (2016)–both male red foxes. Little did you know that the red fox is one of the world’s 100 most invasive species. Of course you didn’t know that. You’ve probably been swallowing Disney’s propaganda since you were teething.
Disney is slowly trying to get people–especially young children and adults who can’t seem to discern between cartoon and reality–to love these nuisance animals. Once they fall in love, the foxes strike. They’ll invade every country and take over the world. Disney’s ultimate plan? World domination by fox. Why else would they have considered trying to purchase Fox? (For any confused, they halted their plan until after Incredibles 2  comes out.)
Elimination of Schools
This one’s huge and people are completely ignoring it. You see, Disney has told many historical and literary stories through its movies. Mulan (1998) tells the story of how a sixteen-year-old girl saved China. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996) takes a classical piece of literature that probably wasn’t made for children and makes a movie that also probably wasn’t meant for children. Beauty and the Beast tells the story of how bestiality wasn’t accepted in late 18th century France and it still isn’t.
You may think that this is just Disney trying to aid parents in teaching kids important stories, but that’s not their true purpose. What they’re really trying to do is dismantle the Department of Education.
Think about it: once they do that, everyone will be scrambling for an education. Who will they turn to first? Their trusted friend Disney, of course. That’s when Disney infects every child’s mind with their twisted fantasies of worldwide fox domination and uses them as pawns in their grand scheme. It’s really quite ingenuous.
Gradual Acceptance of Our Lovable Overlords
Like Pennywise luring Georgie to the sewer, Disney is gradually luring us into a state of complacency. They’re mollifying us to the point where we won’t really care that they tower above us with all of their money and greed. After all, they’ve given us such great movies lately, why would we ever rebel against them?
Every year, they capitalize on their success with another sequel or business acquisition (Marvel or Lucasfilm, anyone?) or theme park addition. They incorporate famous actors and actresses into their blockbuster movies to lure us to the theater. They use our weaknesses against us.
And we will pay for it.
It starts with learning morals. Then it’ll move to following your dreams. Soon, they’ll be telling you that money doesn’t matter and what matters most is family. And you’ll believe them, willingly giving up your money to them and filling their pockets even more.
Wake up, America.
What You Can Do About It
So, you’ve gotten this far without wetting your pants (or maybe you have, I don’t know). Do you think you have what it takes to fight Disney? Can you take down the establishment? Want to be a part of the revolution? Here’s what you do:
There’s nothing you can do. They’ve already taken over.
The best you can do is curl in a ball on your couch and watch Moana for the 255th time because it’s the only thing that keeps you sane anymore.
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