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Hitchhiker’s Guide to Surviving Dystopia

Writer’s note: This article is for satirical and humorous purposes only.

You may have noticed an influx of dystopian movies flooding theaters nowadays. It probably all seems a little overwhelming. You may start getting fearful, wondering: could these scenarios really happen?

Maybe, maybe not. All depends on how paranoid you feel like being.

If you lean more towards being a Nervous Nectarine rather than Cool Cucumber, I have compiled a list of the best movies to prepare you for the impending chaos that you foresee.

The Hunger Games (2008)

This is probably the first movie you thought of, and for good reason. It’s a fantastic training video on how to handle government corruption and societal collapse. Not to mention that it educates you on the best ways to kill a man. You know, just in case.

In this series, you’ll learn how to use a bow and arrow, throw big weights, paint yourself like a rock, throw spears, and identify and use force fields to your advantage.

You may be thinking, do I really need to know this? Short answer: yes. Long answer: yes.

Make sure to watch the entire series so you know how to deal with each successive stage in the world apocalypse, beginning with the emerging revolution and ending with a civilian coup.

dystopia

image via BBC

Red Dawn (2012)

While the end of the world may not come from a horde of North Koreans, it will likely come from a horde of something. It could be zombies, aliens, giant ant-like creatures — maybe even killer cows. Who knows? Whether this horde is well-armed or not, they will be dangerous, and you’ll want to know how to defend yourself against foreign threats.

I suggest taking notes while watching this film, because it’ll teach you how to survive with a hostile occupying force when all you have at your disposal is a bunch of guns and Chris Hemsworth. Some valuable skills you may learn are hiding, running, and shooting.

Dystopia

Image via Total Survivalist Blog

Zombieland (2009)

The first thing you’ll have to watch out for when the apocalypse begins is zombies. They’ll be everywhere — for no particular reason — and you’ll have to learn how to fight and kill them.

This movie is a great tutorial on the best way to kill zombies. You can use a banjo, like our friend Woody Harrelson here (one wonders if this is how he won the Hunger Games all those years ago) to hit them over the head…

Dystopia

Image via The A.V. Club

…Or, you can use more sophisticated weapons, like rifles and pickaxes. Just those regular, commonplace weapons that seem to just be laying around in every convenience store in dystopia. Never mind the fact that you couldn’t find a good pickax anywhere today. But don’t worry — they’ll be in rich supply after the apocalypse.

Zombieland will also teach you what to do if you encounter Bill Murray in the wild.

Cast Away (2000)

This choice may seem a little odd, considering it doesn’t deal with anything remotely apocalyptic, other than Tom Hanks’ hair. However, it’s assumed that you’ll need to learn and apply basic survival skills to keep you and your gang alive when the apocalypse begins. I would suggest paying close attention to Hanks’ discovery of fire, as it may aid you on your journey.

Dystopia

Image via Carbon Costume

You’ll also learn how to form relationships and carry on conversations with inanimate objects, which will probably be a valuable skill on those days when zombies or killer cows kill your entire posse and all you have left is a can of baked beans and a Yankees’ ballcap that you taped googly eyes to.

Schindler’s List (1993), Hachi: A Dog’s Tale (2009), The Champ (1979), or the first half hour of Up (2009)

Yes, it’s an odd assortment of movies, but you don’t have to watch all of them, or even any of them. You just need something that will set the tears flowing.

True stories, like Hachi or Schindler’s List, will especially help because you’ll start crying again later when you remember that the story was real. However, fictional stories like The Fault in Our Stars (2014) will also work because the cringy, “quirky” teenagers will make you want to cry for humanity’s taste in romance.

The point of all this sadness is to get out all those tears now rather than after your comrade dies. You shouldn’t show any weakness as you leave behind your ailing friend with bubonic plague to save the rest of the group. Rather, you should be stoic and not look back. Show your followers that you have no heart or feelings and that you died the day you watched Up years ago. It will instill in them a sense of awe and jealousy.

Dystopia

Image via Giphy

Any Martial Arts Movie

Your main goal in the apocalypse is to look really cool when you fight, so try to learn some choreography from old martial arts movies. I highly suggest anything with Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee. Simple jabs and right hooks won’t help you — you need to know how to land a triple backflip and immediately transition into a roundhouse kick to absolutely obliterate that middle-aged lady who takes the last rotisserie chicken in the abandoned Costco.

You don’t want to be caught in the apocalypse looking stupid, do you? “Better to die than to look stupid” will be your new motto. Make sure to tattoo it on your body somewhere so the aliens will know how awesome you were.

Dystopia

Image via Moviefone

I’ve Taught You Everything I Could…

That’s all I can tell you to help you on your journey. Now you must blaze your own path.

Remember:

Always remember to look cool when you’re fighting.

Trust no one, except the Chick-Fil-A workers who still haven’t abandoned their posts because they’re all so loyal.

And, most importantly, try not to die. I’d hate to give you all this advice for nothing.


Thanks for reading!  What are your thoughts on ways to survive the apocalypse?  Comment down below!

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5 Responses

  1. Patricia Henderson says:

    This is genius! 🤣 Amazing work.

  2. Great post! The only way I would survive a zombie apocalypse is if I was a zombie

    • Kali Tuttle says:

      Lol same. I’d be totally helpless. I’d probably die wandering around alone at night because I was bored and wanted to see the zombies.

  3. notdonner says:

    You have captured the essence of survival in the post-apocalypse! Personally, I think the bow and arrow, followed by a horde of animatronic wild beasts can take on the zombies. And of course, from watching the survival shows on cable, I can make a shelter out of straw, too, But life will collapse anyway, if no cell service functions.

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