The Ultimate Disney Conspiracy
The Walt Disney Company is taking over. After years of buy-outs, merchandising, and undermining, the company is ready to strike. The Disney Conspiracy goes deep, but how deep does it go? All the way, that’s how far. I have assumed it my duty to uncover this conspiracy, no matter the cost. Read the following at your discretion, I cannot be held liable for what Disney does to those who read the truth.
Remaking the Past
Last week Disney unveiled the first character reveal trailer for Aladdin, the latest in their endless stream of remakes. In fact, there’s still another remake coming before that remake. Soon, Disney will have a remake every month. In 2020, Disney will begin remaking the first Iron Man, while simultaneously moving forwards with the Fox + MCU. In 2021, Disney will release the remake of the Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s an endless cycle. The question is, why are all these remakes being produced?
The answer is simple, to destabilize generational relationships. Children of this decade will grow up quoting Will Smith’s Genie, while their parents will only recognize Robin Williams as the Genie. This will quickly lead to verbal and physical altercations. As each generation grows up, Disney will simply supply them with a new Genie to keep families focused on fighting each other rather than fighting the Disney Conspiracy. In fact Disney has already announced the line-up for Genie in the next five Aladdin reboots:
- Michael Cera
- Marlon Brando (Hologram)
- Hall and Oates
- Kevin Hart
Buying Out the Competition
The Disney Conspiracy isn’t just targeted at children and families either. The ultimate goal of the Walt Disney Company is to be the only Company. This started as a simple ploy to eliminate competing studios, but it has become so much more. When Pixar started producing better films than Disney in the early 2000s, Disney bought them out. When superheroes started to over-take Disney’s live action films, they bought Marvel. Disney has since added Lucasfilm and 21st Century Fox to their ranks. Soon Warner Bros. and Universal will fall. Once Disney becomes the only film studio, they will begin buying out all corporations.
World renowned scientist, Dr. Ian Malcolm, estimates that Disney will own 1/3 of the world’s corporations by 2035. He also estimates that Disney will own 100% of all corporations and small businesses by 2041. Once they create every product and offer every service, mankind will slowly devolve to the state of humanity as depicted in Wall-E. That’s right, Pixar has known all along and they tried to warn us, so Disney bought them to make all things seem right in the world.
Clamping Down on the Academy Awards
Recently The Academy announced that the categories of Cinematography, Editing, Makeup and Hair Styling, and Live-Action Short will not be presented on Air during this year’s Oscars ceremony. Academy members, Academy nominees, and the general public are outraged at this.
Coincidentally, ABC the network that the awards are presented on, is owned by Disney. Want to guess which categories Disney doesn’t have a nomination in? That’s right, it’s Cinematography, Film Editing, Makeup and Hair Styling, and Live Action Short. The Disney Conspiracy is basically proven here.
By cutting these categories, Disney ensures for a moment that the public’s attention will be focused solely on their films. Eventually audiences will forget about other studios entirely, and that is when Disney will strike. When Disney becomes the only filmmaker in your mind, they will become the only filmmaker in anyone’s mind.
Since I began writing this article, the Academy announced that the previously cut segments will air as per usual. Why? What caused this backtrack? The short answer is that Disney orchestrated its own chaos. Disney chose to rile the people up by cutting these awards from the live show. Then, seemingly at the last minute, they step back in to save the day. Sounds suspiciously like a Pixar villain that only wanted to appear super. Clearly Pixar was already trying to warn us of Disney’s trickery in 2004. They’re trying to trick you into being on their side. Wake up people!
Who is the Puppeteer?
The question remains, who is orchestrating all of this? Is it Bob Iger, ensuring his continued success? Is it Michael Eisner, seeking revenge for his ousting from the company over a decade ago? No, the man behind this is far more sinister. The Disney Conspiracy has been driven by none other than Walt Disney this whole time. His sudden and implausible death was a hoax. In secret he has been periodically freezing himself, a la the Winter Soldier, in order to prolong his life. Every few years he awakens to position his pieces across the board, then he slumbers while his moves are executed. Soon Walt will wake up to find us all in his pocket, the world having been checkmated by his strategy.
Children will be born with mouse-ears. Aladdin will be remade every second Tuesday. Robert Downey Jr. will be paid $50 million every time he breathes. The Academy will only nominate Disney movies. Disney will produce our clothing, our dining utensils, and even the soaps we bathe with. It will be Disney, Disney, Disney all day everyday.
Take a stand now. Unplug Walt’s freezer machine. Watch Indie films while you still can. Support your local film festivals before they become MCU festivals. Just don’t give in!
Writer’s Note: The article above was written for satirical and comedic purposes only.
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