Harry Potter Should Have Died in ‘The Goblet of Fire’

We love the Harry Potter movies. But, if we’re being honest, Harry had plenty of chances to bite the dust as he encountered evil wizards, strange creatures, and perilous journeys throughout the series. Instead of giving in to the whimsy of this fantasy series, we’re taking stock of all the times Harry could (and should) have died.

Check out all the ways that Harry could have perished in:

• The Sorcerer’s Stone
• The Chamber of Secrets
• The Prisoner of Azkaban

If we’re being honest, Goblet of Fire is my favorite and least favorite of the series. It’s my favorite because of all the dangerous tasks Harry gets to do and because of Voldemort’s return. But it’s my least favorite because of all the angst and long hair this movie contains.

However, Goblet of Fire is great for this article series because there are so many ways Harry could have died. It is at this point that Harry Potter should definitely be dead. Please enjoy all the ways Harry Potter should have died in The Goblet of Fire:

Harry Potter and the Year Everyone Decided to Grow Their Hair Out and Be Ugly

• Harry strangles himself with his long mane of hair.
• Nobody ever lets Harry sleep. He is going to die of over-exhaustion.
• Harry lets go of the Portkey and is lost in the fourth dimension.
• With the number of times Harry is roughly thrown to the ground, he would at least have some pretty severe brain damage. Harry, you should be dead.
• The Weasleys lose Harry at the World Cup and he trips over a rock and dies.
• Lucius Malfoy sees Harry at the World Cup and goes berzerk, murdering him in a rage.
• Viktor Krum throws a Bludger at Harry just for fun.
• In the chaos caused by the Death Eaters, Harry is trampled to death.
• The entirety of the camp around the World Cup is burned down and Harry survives? No. Harry is most definitely dead at this point.

Harry Potter and the Raging Hormones of Puberty

• The Ministry shows up and executes Harry because he is always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
• Harry is twitterpated with Cho Chang and dies of a broken heart when she rejects him.
• Harry really needs to do something about his chronic headaches before they kill him.
• The Beauxbatons students arrive and Harry is run over by one of their flying horses.
• Giant lady steps on Harry.
• The Durmstrang men see Harry and murder him for being so lame.
• Mad-Eye Moody AKA Barty Crouch Jr. enters the Great Hall and can’t contain himself so he murders Harry.
• The tailless whip scorpion (that freaky spider thing Mad-Eye Moody has) bites Harry and kills him.
• Harry walks over the age line surrounding the Goblet of Fire and is immediately killed.

Harry Potter and, Harry, USE YOUR WAND

• Dumbledore murders Harry for putting his name in the Goblet of Fire.
• Ron is angry and going through puberty so he murders Harry.
• Rita Skeeter kills Harry with her Quick-Quotes Quill so she can get a good story for the newspaper.
• Harry tries talking to Sirius Black in the fire but falls in the fire instead.
• Hagrid leads Harry to the dragons where he is incinerated by their fire breath.
• During the first task, the Hungarian Horntail eats Harry.
• Harry slips on the rocks in the arena of the first task and dies.
• Harry falls off his broom trying to escape the dragon.
• While trying to escape the dragon, Harry slams his broom straight into the bridge and dies.

Harry Potter and Harry Can’t Follow the Rules

• Fred and George, while toting Harry on their shoulders, drop him to the ground and Harry dies.
• Gryffindor house gangs up and murders Harry for opening the annoying golden egg.
• Snape breaks Harry’s neck trying to get him to study.
• Harry is a dancing fool and dances until he dies.
• Harry falls down the steps of the Great Hall at the dance.
• Moaning Myrtle drowns Harry in the prefects’ bathroom.
• Harry drowns in the Black Lake.
• The merpeople kill Harry for breaking the rules.
• Krum as a shark eats Harry.

Harry Potter and I Never Want to See Fetus Voldemort Ever Again

• Dumbledore’s licorice snaps kill Harry.
• Igor and Snape kill Harry for knowing too much.
• Harry is eaten by the magic hedges of the maze.
• Krum accidentally kills Harry while under the Imperiatus Curse.
• Despite all the help he gets, Harry gets lost in the maze and never makes it home.
• Cedric kills Harry for nearly leaving him to die.
• Baby Voldemort disgusts Harry so much that he dies.
• Voldemort murders Harry because Harry only knows two spells.
• Cedric’s father kills Harry for letting Edward Cullen, er, Cedric die.
• Mad-Eye Moody kills Harry for knowing too much.

The True Hero of this Film is…

Neville Longbottom. Though his contribution wasn’t anything magnificent, Harry Potter would be dead without him. Also, Neville actually treated the ball seriously and was a gentleman to Ginny Weasley. Harry was such a jerk to his date.

The Goblet of Fire should have produced Neville’s name because he would have easily won the entire tournament and saved Cedric. His heart and mind are just much more pure and honest than Harry’s. Also, Harry would have died 46 times in this film alone.

Unfortunately, for some reason, Harry Potter has to be the hero of the Harry Potter series. Let’s just all remember that if Neville had not been there, Harry would be dead.

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